Back to Reality

I am Missing my Country

When the birds are singing early in the morning,
when the sun is rising and shining,when the sky is raining,

(-Farida)

Yes , Iam missing everything back home , good and the bad .

A visit to India goes faster than can I can say POOF .It always ZIP , ZAP and ZOOM .Always time to leave ,just when I was getting reacquainted and comfortable with all things that have changed .When I returned last Monday , I could think nothing but of the terrible back and knee aches I had from the long plane journey .I was really groggy for a while ..I slept straight for I don't know how many hours and then got up in the middle of the night.

It was then that I had the time to register that I was back .The physical pain then turned into something else ...A feeling of emptiness , confusion , melancholia ............A seething pain in the heart , almost palpable. The festivities and joy had turned into silence, the joy de vivre had turned into solitude and loneliness ..the feeling of being uprooted 4 yrs back into a cold , unwelcoming set of circumstances crept back . the Hindi chatter turned into English banter .the direct stares in your face turned to polite dismissal . And then for no reason tears started pouring down my face...I know , women !!(they just like to cry) :-)

I love India but I do not love everything about it.Or should I say just Delhi since that's where I come from .The absolute chaos at the international airport , literally swarms of people and did I say hordes and hordes of cars with no space to accommodate them.The traffic scared the living daylights out of me .The societal setup and the family politics like one of my friend says would take an encyclopedia to explain .(Payal , Iam quoting you here ).

Yes , its lovely to meet family but why does everyone and their grandfather expect you to visit them and then throw a tantrum if you do not give them individual attention for paucity of time and frankly, paucity of any feeling .And then ofcourse , one has to always do what is proper and is approved by society.God help me .I almost pulled out my hair a couple of times .I jsut concentrated on the Tv shows , the movies , the eating out , marvelling at the new hotspots and malls that had come up and the little bit of shopping that I was able to manage

And I felt weird at feeling that way .Because I have lived in India all my life . I have studiedthere , worked there , made lifelong freinds there and have family there .In a hundred lifetimes , I did not know I would feel this kind of frustartion and angst at so many things. but I did . Yeah , sad but true .

Everytime I come back from India , I end up feeling confused about where I belong ....here or there , or maybe nowhere ...and then I tell myself ,its just me , No matter where I go and stay, there will be times where I dont feel like I belong .I just need to find who Iam and thats the only thing thats ever going to work .Its a catch 22 and Iam working at figuring out a happy medium .

Will find that one day .Yes Iam hopeful .

Meanwhile Iam BACK TO life or REALITY as I call it and the daily grind .These trips are strange , they connect you and yet they derail you .Maybe I feel too much , Maybe I need to take it in my stride or maybe I need to take longer vacations than 15 days, so I can return satiated .

Will I ever ?